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23 February 2006 @ 02:06 pm
My Radical Feminist Conscience and $$$Money$$$  
My Radical Feminist Conscience and $$$Money$$$

I just received what almost seems like a Jimminy Crickett note from someone I love and respect an awful lot. She wasn’t the least bit chastising but she was pointing out things about my finances etc.

She said wise things as she always does. She said, “Let’s face it, it’s not attractive to lesbians or anyone else to be 50+ and burdened with debt.”

I’m sure this is true and I don’t have any argument with that. But being attractive isn’t the issue for me.

Are radical feminist’s allowed to have heroes? Is it ok to really admire a man or a character? Yes, Annie was my heroine in the fifties and Annie only ran for about ran years. So who was left? Well, there was Bob Denver as Manard G. Krebbs – a Beatnik! He was so atraditional! I internalized those ideas.

I’ve always believed that money was dirty. I don’t feel good about money. I don’t crave it. Actually I wish with all my heart that it didn’t exist – because money coerces. If life is precious, when we have money, we immediately have to watch out for it. That consumes life and our freedom. I believe this so strongly that in the late seventies I blew out of a human potential training on Abundance and Prosperity when then were pinning dollars bill to a woman’s dress and singing, “Money, Money, money” I just about exploded through the door.

I have no doubt that my friend is right. It is unattractive to be old and poor. But I look at the alternative. If I had had money, how would it have been? It could only have been through pouring over stocks and having budgets and making financial plans etc. In other words I would have paid for that money in terms of my life – time spent.

I’d prefer to be unattractive. I’ve met “unattractive” who live in vas at festival. Yes, they are a little crazier, and more of their own woman than me.

I’m sorry, I absolutely despise money. Work is, OK. But I totally believe money is filthy because of the parts of your life that you trade of in order to have money. I never want to have a “portfolio”. Pardon me, but I’ pooh all myself. Often I consult, and men come for computer consultations. (Keep in mind that my basement is one room and my bed is in it.) I consult on software problems and when the men leave, they lay down a fifty dollar bill. I feel like I’ve been prostituted. I feel ill. I feel soiled. As a matter of fact, I have been prostituted. I have men in my home. I don’t want men in my home. I have to talk to them. I have to take directions from them.

That’s really unattractive to me. Money is unattractive to me. Them I think about “well-to-do” lesbians and I ask, “Are they attractive to me?” The answer is, no they aren’t. I know what they had to do to be well to do. They had to have portfolios. They had to pay attention to money. They had to take precious hours of their lives any be coerced and they had to talk to REALLY dull men.

What is more valuable to me? The approval of well to do lesbians or precious moments in my life that I have no spent worrying about term life insurance? ***Sigh*** this is what I mean about capitalism. It coerces, enslaves, prostitutes. It robs us of the time in our lives.

Yeah… I hope I’m unattractive to “well to do lesbians” because I’m sure they are not attractive to me. I don’t think they’ve done much thinking about this. They were too busy checking to see if their term life insurance had expired or not. Would I want to be in a relationship with someone like that? I’m afraid I wouldn’t. I also fear that we wouldn’t have much to talk about. It’s a little bit like the “alliance” between lesbian and gay men which has sounded pretty stupid to me. What do I have in common with gay men? Next to nothing as far I am concerned. He prefers to be with men and I prefer to be with women. Fine, now that we’ve established that, what else is there to talk about? But isn’t the same thing true for well to do Lesbians? They prefer women. Ok Good. They have portfolios, term life, mortgages, financial advisors and cell phones and Godiva Chocolates. How exciting are these women to talk to? They aren’t interesting to me. How many do you see clamoring to get on this list? None.

Ooooh I’m in tears because this isn’t why I’ve spent thirty five years of my life for women. I didn’t do it so we could have term life and portfolios.

I did it so we could be FREE. AS far as I can see the well to do are and have been anything but free and it is with sadness, no tears in my eyes, that I register how uninteresting I find them to be. I’m sorry I missed the latest Olivia Cruise… well sort of, well to be honest no I’m not. I’m sort of glad I missed it because that just isn’t on my list of aspirations and I’m especially not interested in paying the costs.

To the woman who wrote me, I think you are so wonderful. It’s just that…well here I see you as … moderate in this area. Are you going to radically reject this stuff, or is it your goal to be comfortable in a corrupt society? I could never do that. I’ve been there. I’ve owned homes and was a solid citizen…..and

I HATED myself. I HATED myself for participating in this oh so fucked up society. I felt like I do when those men lay down their fifty dollars bills because backing my respectable care out of my long respectable asphalt wasn’t me. It wasn’t me at all. I felt renewed when I shed that dead skin.

I don’t like sounding like a reactionary but a couple of weeks ago I talked to the woman who brought me out. She had $145.00 to her name. NOW…. That’s MY KIND OF WOMAN and I’m really serious. What holds patriarchy together is HOW we participate. I’m poor and I hurt. But I have a good radical feminist report card.

Please know Jimminy cricket that I really do cherish you. But I feel almost haughty at the observation that I’m not attractive to well to do lesbians because I believe they’ve sold out. They’ve deserted the movement. It rather makes me question “the community” that I though so beautiful. Where are the women who spoke so eloquently? Kate Millet won’t even touch feminism these days from what I understand. How many of us really cared?

Like TruthSayer, I long for the seventies because we were real an we cared and we hadn’t sold out. I’m so tired of shutting down my conscience and not listening to my own body.

I can’t do “business”. My head just doesn’t work that way. I can do ‘technical’. That’s ok. Just not money… no, keep me away from it.